Our beloved cast of borderline alcoholics are finally getting the attention they deserve. Vanderpump Rules exploded in popularity this season. You no longer need to hide your guilty pleasure from co-workers and friends. We couldn’t pick just one drink for this bar loving cast, so we made a guide for them all. Choose your favorite character and drink along to your heart’s content.
Stassi + Aquavit on the Rocks
Aquavit is the Scandinavian answer to vodka. It’s clear, tastes great in a mixed drink, but is usually enjoyed on the rocks. It’s just as icy as our resident Swedish princess. Aquavit’s flavor is further enhanced by spices like dill and caraway, just as Stassi colors her appearance with her mom’s jewelry adornments. With Stassi you know you’re getting a spirit with a thorn, but her intentions are just as clear as a glass full of aquavit.
Kristen + Long Island Iced Tea
Kristen is everyone’s scapegoat. Cheat on your significant other? So did Kristen! Lie to your best friend? So did Kristen! Who needs accountability when you can simply point out that Kristen in imperfect and therefore deserving of everyone’s blame?
A Long Island Iced Tea is crafted by throwing a bunch of liquor together. It gets you drunk quickly and is the choice of freshmen sorority girls across the country. And just like Kristen, everyone blames their trashy behavior on its intoxicating charm.
Jax + Any Liquor You’ve Got
Jax isn’t picky. As long as there’s a hole to suck through and get intoxicated on, he’ll be there.
Brittany + Southern Comfort
Brittany is a warm Kentucky girl with a nice word for everyone. Her presence on the show is comforting and she’s not afraid to call Jax out on his behavior. She is, however, unable to unsnarl herself from Jax’s roid-raging biceps.
Is she really that naive and in love with Jax, or does she recognize a full service meal ticket and is conning us all? Regardless of her intentions, we’ll always love her for introducing us to one of our favorite bar chants:
“Take a shot! Take a shot! If you can’t take a shot like a Sur Server can, why you got a shot in your motherfucking hand? Take a shot! ”
Cheers to you Brittany! You’re the wholesome Southern embrace we needed to balance out Sur’s L.A. edginess.
James + Primm’s Cup
Boisterous, bubbly, and British.
LaLa + Screwdriver
Oh Lala, our resident faux-feminist, pretend-hood, empty-threat-slinging gold digger. Her free-flowing tits and never-ending sexual innuendos are every coupled girl’s nightmare. Her body may be threatening, but I’ll never unsee the similarity between her neck and Sid from Ice Age. Enjoy your looks for the next 10 years sweetie, because they’ll be nothing to mask your personality after that.
A screwdriver is so sweet it masks the taste of vodka. Drink too many and you’ll likely find yourself puking. With only two ingredients it’s also incredibly basic, just like Lala.
Katie + Tequila
Could we pick anything else for Tequila Katie? She’s bity but at the end of the day Katie is just searching for what we all want: a loving relationship and an ounce of respect. Since she’s married to Schwartz she’ll have to settle for an ounce of tequila.
Tom Schwartz + Cosmopolitan
A Cosmopolitan is sickeningly sweet, but still gets the job done. It’s got a subtle hint of lime, just like Schwartz’s hidden apathetic acidity that he cloaks as chillness. A Cosmopolitan is the perfect bitch drink for the biggest little bitch we know: Schwartzy.
Tom Sandoval + Grand Marnier Cocktail
You know a drink is pretentious when the Grand Marnier comes out, but you also know it’s probably gonna be good. Tom Sandoval is a character with his primped outfits, straightened hair, and perfectly moisturized skin, but you gotta give it to the guy that he does the best with what he’s got.
Grand Marnier is a colorful addition to any cocktail. We couldn’t pick just one drink for the chameleon that is Tom Sandoval.
Ariana + Jack & Coke
A Jack and Coke is a straight to business cocktail loved by lumberjacks and tomboys alike. The carbonation in the Coke carries the Jack to your bloodstream quickly and the caffeine perks you up. This is a serious drink for non-fussy people serious about getting a buzz.
Ariana is a focused individual who is not afraid to let you know she’s better than you. You too can sip this two ingredient cocktail and judge others for daring to pick a more highly crafted cocktail.
Scheana + Bottomless Mimosa
Every basic bitch’s dream: a bottomless mimosa. A mimosa tries it’s best to be a refined drink, but at the end of the day you’re just diluting a classy beverage. Orange juice can be paired with champagne, cava, or any other sparkling wine, just as Scheana is willing to be paired with any guy so long as he’ll marry her.
Lisa + Rosé
Lisa gets a lot of crap for her matronly style. We can’t help but envy a woman who incorporates pink into every outfit. That’s dedication.
Rosé is a refined wine that everyone loves. Sometimes it’s bubbly and celebratory and sometimes the blush beverage is flat and just there to get the job done. The wine’s effortless elegance and ability to appeal to various crowds makes it a standard worthy of admiration. Because if you don’t love rosé and Lisa Vanderpump, what are you doing with your life?